Depression is a Gift

Evil goes by many names, but I believe depression is not among them. It certainly wears a mask that is fearfully convincing. Evil desires to inflict pain and suffering, and suicide is an extremely effective way. I hope we can all learn to see the difference, and recognize the truth. Depression is a gift!

I’ve always been a fan of Doctor Who, and I’ve found the rising popularity of the show corresponded a great deal with the writing direction. Steven Moffat has been praised for a lot of this, and the show got that much harder to watch. No, not because it was bad. Because it was good. I don’t just mean I like the show. I mean I love the show.

When Jodie Whitaker was selected for Doctor Who, I was disappointed. Not because I was opposed to anything with gender. Everybody knows Doctor Who has been open and accepting of things like this. That’s part of why I love the show. I was disappointed because there were rumors of the part to be filled by Emma Watson. I think Watson is a far better role model for equality than Whitaker is. Also, I didn’t really like Whitaker’s acting in Broadchurch. (Any other Tenant fans in here?) This put me off the show for awhile, because I had such high hopes. I’m sorry 13th doctor, but I gave you some mighty big shoes to fill.

I’m also sorry if this looks like some fan fave rant, but I really want to drive this point hard. I recently re-watched an episode from Season 9. Then I re-re watched it with my wife. If you’ve figured out what episode, I applaud you. You probably know what I’m about to say. If you haven’t seen Doctor Who, this is what you’re missing out on.

Depression is a gift because it means you care. It is not a bad thing if your heart aches because others around you are suffering. That is humanity. Evil turns good intentions into pain and suffering. Sometimes this pain turns into suicide. What does this have to do with Doctor Who? I don’t believe humans are evil, but they are influenced by it. Not any better? If you didn’t read the last paragraph… spoilers ahead.

Spoilers

River Song

Sorry, I had to. Moving on. The episode “Heaven Sent” really made a big impact to me. To say it changed my perspective on life would put it lightly. Toward the end of the maze, the Doctor finally reaches a seemingly impenetrable wall harder than diamond. What does he do? He fights. Refuses to die. He is the master of his life and he will live how he chooses until somebody kills him. I cannot emphasize this enough. The Doctor chose life in spite of quite literally astronomical odds and stuck with it. He didn’t quit. He didn’t give up. His last hope wasn’t suicide. His last hope was sacrificing some of himself in hopes of sending a message to the “3D printed” new Doctor. You can see this as he spends his last seconds scrawling in the sand. That castle was the perfect trap for him. The ultimate test of life or death, and he chose life. That is why he is the Doctor.

I’ve struggled with depression because I care. It took me a long time to realize I hurt because I want to help. There is so much pain and suffering in the world already, and I want to fix it all. It’s a heavy burden, but I take it on willingly. Clara Oswald already knew this, and saw an opportunity to save a life, risking her own. She died under her terms, not running from her fears but realizing fear was running from her and those around her. I was sad when I heard S9 would be her last, but I can not ask for a better way.

The Doctor just lost his companion. He knew she gave everything she had fighting for someone else’s life the entire time. This infuriated him. Why could someone so pure be killed so trivially? This is a time where evil takes advantage and hides in shadows. This is where that gift is hidden and the mask comes out. Evil tries to abuse this. Now the Doctor has to fight for his life against a threat he cannot beat. Always coming. Always lurking. This fight for life went on for 4.5 billion years. All that time. All those skulls. All those choices. He chose life every time. There are some secrets that should never be shared, and every time he chose life over confession.

I know the Doctor’s last confession.

Breaking the Habit

Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I’m picking me apart again
You all assume
I’m safe here in my room
Unless I try to start again

I’m a new me, and I’ve shed my shell. It’s fresh, it’s scary, and it’s new. But I love it. I do spend a lot of time alone, and I’m generally okay with that. I’m still happy to be alone, as a time to concentrate. It’s quiet and peaceful, but so much more than just an escape. It’s a time I can focus on me. All things must come with moderation, and I can’t let this be an escape to ignore reality.

I don’t want to be the one
The battles always choose
‘Cause inside I realize
That I’m the one confused

I hold a great deal of reservation because I want to avoid conflict. Flexibility to conform isn’t always easy though. The unknown can be difficult, and the separation between a battle on the outside and a battle on the inside becomes vague. I don’t know how to handle the situation, and there are too many variables to consider. I like order. Order leads to predictability, and predictability is comfort. When the order is broken, the future is unknown. What’s unknown scares us. It’s a natural instinct of survival. Anything could be around the corner, and we have to be ready for it. But what dangers come from a conversation?

I don’t know what’s worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don’t know why I instigate
And say what I don’t mean
I don’t know how I got this way
I know it’s not alright
So I’m breaking the habit
I’m breaking the habit tonight

I don’t care. Not because I don’t want to, but because I can’t. It’s hard to restrain passion for things I believe in, and sometimes I prioritize the wrong things. I have a passion in life, equality, and happiness. The world I see is in chaos, and I can’t resist the need to fix it. But I can’t fix the world. I have to stop trying. I have to stop hating the news because of all the horrible things that happen in this world. And it’s all for naught. I might not be able to fix the world, but I can help me, and this blog is how I’m doing it.

Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again

New territory is never easy, and this is certainly no exception. I’ve never been very expressive with my emotions, because there are no words to convey my thoughts. In this, I am very much like Spock. I control my emotions because it too easily leads to irrational decisions. However, I’m not a Vulcan, and I can’t suppress my emotions. Letting these emotions out hurts, and is by far the hardest part. This is part of why I hide. Instinct. I can’t hide forever.

I’ll paint it on the walls
‘Cause I’m the one at fault
I’ll never fight again
And this is how it ends

Here’s the wall. It’s there for all the world to see. Love me for it, hate me for it. This is me expressing myself, and I won’t go back to the shadows and hide.

It’s tough to be a hero, because you have to carry the pain and sorrows of everyone around you without giving an inkling of pain to anyone else. The very core of me wants to help others. I give freely to all that ask. This also means I never ask for help. I know I can make it through, even at a great cost to myself because I couldn’t bear it if my burden caused you to collapse. I found my hero, and I’m happy to call her my wife.

Chester Bennington put a lot of power into his songs before ultimately succumbing to his pain. He left this world too early, and I can only imagine the pain he was going through.

Hello world!

Hello world! I have a blog! I’m trying something new to share my experiences and opinions in hopes others can benefit from them. You don’t always have to agree, but I do want to hear your side too, so please, leave comments and give me your honest feedback. Prove me wrong by quoting a study, challenge my opinions by sharing new information, tell me why you disagree. The better we understand each other, the better everyone gets along.

Since this is a new branch in my life, I can’t say for sure where this leads. I have a lot planned, a lot to share, and a lot to learn.